Longing
by Jade Rotaski Queen of the Damned
Summary: RoyxEd Shounen ai. WARNING: Post show and movie spoilers! No longer a One shot. Chapter 4 is fianlly up! Summery: I miss you, you stupid bastard...
1. Longing

Okay this will be and stay as a one shot, though I may make a companion piece and make it a second chapter in Roy's POV if people like it enough. I'll tell you now that I've only seen The FMA movie once, so I'm not too sure about what was actually said and what happens in the flashback, so don't flame me if what's said and done isn't perfect to what actually happened/was said in the movie. Apart from that this is RoyxEd you don't like it leave.

Disclaimer: If I'm writing this fanfic, then I obviously don't own it, if I did, FMA would be a Shounen ai anime.

Enjoy!

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Longing

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Edward Elric was sat on the window sill, looking through the plain glass window and looking intently up at the grey sky, and sighed sadly as rain poured from the heavens, it was getting late and all in the town was calm. The blonde teen turned his head to look at the sleeping figure in the bed; Alphonse his little brother, no longer the giant hulk of armour he used to be, instead he was an 18 year old in a 15 year olds body and was currently sleeping peacefully on the bed, his eyes closed and his breathing even.

Ed smiled to himself sadly as he looked at his hand the one that was covered in a synthetic skin colour fibre, but still had automail underneath; he'd yearned to get his brother's body back, it's what he'd lived for, what he'd joined the military for and even if he hadn't gotten his own limbs back he was happy enough knowing Al was human again.

Even if they weren't in Artemis, this world was now a peace where they lived was nice and quiet, many people were doubles of the ones they knew or had known, in fact there was only one person he hadn't met who had a double; Colonel Mustang.

'So why do I feel so empty?' Ed thought to himself and mentally groaned, he'd been making himself avoid this question ever since they'd closed the gate and this feeling had started, it wasn't just emptiness he was feeling, he felt a sense of longing for something, though the blonde had no idea what it was, he also felt like he was missing something, but again Ed was clueless.

Ed sighed once more and leant his head against the cool glass window and closed his golden eyes as his thoughts drifted back to 2 years ago when he's managed to come through the gate.

Flashback

_Winry had hugged him first, relived he'd come back, she looked so happy to find him alive, then he saw his little brother and was overjoyed, hugging the other ecstatically; when he'd passed the gate he didn't know if the transmutation had worked, but to find that it had and seeing his brother in the flesh was one of the happiest moments in the blondes life._

_The reunion was short lived though, as Al and Ed needed to stop the huge Nazi ship that had crossed the gate after the elder Elric, from destroying everything in sight. As they transmuted the ground to make a tower of earth to rise and meet it, they almost fell from the tower when the ship opened fire at them then fire had flown from behind Ed and destroyed the gun turret. Al's smile and his eyes widened in recognition and Ed turned. Roy mustang, the Flame alchemist; the man who had sent him on pointless missions, and teased him about his height in his youth was smiling at him, and nodded, silently urging them to go on, telling them he had their backs._

_It wasn't long until the tower they'd made was tall enough for them to get onto the ship and Roy leapt from the balloon and ran up it in front of them. Roy sighed as he ran and he spoke actual words to Ed for the first time since they had been reunited "I figured it was you who had brought all this trouble here Fullmetal"_

_If the situation hadn't been so serious Ed probably would have laughed in relief, same old insults, same old Colonel. "Jeez I just get back and this is what I get? No 'Hello nice to see you after 2 years' or 'It's good to see you alive', no, you just shower me with insults! Thanks Colonel Bastard" Ed snapped back in reply but a smile was on his face as he said it, and the blonde wasn't too sure but he swore he saw Roy smiling too. Al sighed at this and sweatdropped at the exchange "Please don't say such things brother…" he said but he knew it wouldn't do much good. When they finally reached the deck, they ducked for cover as more gun turrets were transmuted out of nowhere, and Roy used his fire alchemy to destroy them "Go and stop the ship! I'll cover you!" Mustang ordered. Al and Ed nodded and ran ahead; Ed looked back at the doorway for a second, the blonde alchemist, smiled and nodded before giving a salute, a rare sign of respect off Edward, before following his younger brother._

_Roy smiled at this "I always knew you were alive…" He whispered to himself, but somehow Ed managed to hear it just before another burst of fire destroyed a gun turret in a small explosion. When the task was done Ed used alchemy to cut some of the ship apart. "Al I've cut of enough of the ship for you to transmute for you and the Colonel to land safely, I need to seal the gate on the other side before this gets worse, Colonel...destroy the gate on this side…and look after Al for me" Those were his last words before Ed turned and went back inside the ship, a few moments later his brother joined him saying that Mustang had let him go and that he said he'd get rid of the gate, and as his brother said this he felt sadness overwhelm him, but he pushed it aside as he did what he had to, to destroy the gate..._

End Flashback

Ed sighed, after that the gate was closed off and he and Al were cut off from the world they'd spent their lives in, where all their friends were, Ed felt the familiar pang of longing and sighed 'Who though? Who the hell am I longing for? Winry?...No not Winry…It can't be Al because I have him here…no…it couldn't be…' Ed's eyes snapped open and his mouth dropped as he felt that pang of longing again, but this time much more severe as he thought about Roy Mustang.

'Is he…is he the reason I feel empty? Because he's not here anymore? I don't get it; I didn't feel like this before…' But Ed knew he was lying to himself; he'd felt a sense of longing in this world four years ago, when he was on his own, but back then, Ed had thought it was because he was missing his brother, not because of a certain flame alchemist! Ed groaned quietly as he put a had over his heart and rubbed the area gently "Stop it" He muttered to himself "There's no way you can see him again, and there no way he can see you, I…I have to live without him…"

Ed's golden eyes softened and grew sad as he spoke and before he could stop himself, his eyes filled with tears and fell silently down his face. After a moment Ed realized what he was doing and cursed quietly as he wiped his eyes. 'Damn it what am I doing?' He thought 'It's not like I…' Ed broke off and sighed 'Oh who the hell am I kidding? I've been in love with him since I first saw him that day when I lost my arm and leg and he'd come looking for our father…Heh I thought it was a dumb crush…'

Ed wiped his eyes again, but then more tears fell from his eyes as he reminisced, but these one's he didn't bother wiping away "But dumb crushes don't last for eight years" Ed whispered aloud "All the arguments, all the fights, and teasing about my height, I enjoyed them, deep down, it was my sneaky way of getting closer to you, every time I tired to punch you it was to touch you…I'm meant to be a genius and it never clicked that I was in love with you and I was stooping so low for your attention…until now, oh god if you were here you'd probably be laughing your ass off at me right now…" Ed sighed and closed his eyes as he pictured what Roy looked like the last time he'd seen him, he had an eye patch on his right eye, but the man still looked beautiful, almost untouchable in Ed's mind.

"I wonder if you ever knew the truth." Ed whispered to himself "I wonder if you ever suspected I loved you? Or even if you secretly loved me back?" Ed sighed and closed his eyes, more tears falling from his face. "I guess I'll never know now, I guess I'll never be able to see you to gather the courage to ask…" Ed brought his knees up to his chest as he curled up and began to sob quietly, sadness washing over him as it finally sunk in that he was never going to see the man he was in love with again.

"You bastard!" Ed sobbed "You'll probably go on without me and get married and have kids just like Hughes always hinted at you to do and you'll forget about me, everyone will forget about me and Al; Havoc, Winry, Riza, Gracia, Elysia, Feury, Breda, Ross, Falmen, Armstrong…they'll all forget…" Ed whispered as he continued to cry, his heart was beating and he was alive, but he was without the one person he wanted and it made his heart hurt.

His heart was longing, longing for one person, it was just sad irony that they could never come and quell it…

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Okay what did you think? I know I know its very angsty and stuff but what would you be like if you had been thrown in another world and it just hit you, that you were in love with someone who you would NEVER be able see again?

Also I forgot to mention but Edward is 20 in this fic too, He's spent 4 years in the world past the gate, two of those years were with Al.

Any way comments are appreciated; this took me all of 30 minutes to think of and writ this, I was listening to this song while I did so and was my inspiration for the story: http/ Rotaski


	2. I wont cry

Okay this is the next chapter to Longing, its sort of a follow up from the first chapter except in Roy's point of view and what he did while Edward and Alphonse are in the other world. If I get enough good comments ill probably do Alphonse's point of view next or something lol! Enjoy!

Jade xx

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Chapter 2- I won't cry.

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Brigadier General Roy Mustang was not going to cry.

He wasn't going to because he wouldn't let himself give up, not yet, not now; everyday he had the overwhelming urge to just let everything out what he had bottled up inside of him and burst out into tears that were so out of character for the man. Everyday we went through the routine of just wanting to cry, gasping for breath as he struggled to take control of the feeling before he managed to bottle it up again, returning to normal. There were many reasons why Roy Mustang wouldn't cry but only one person was behind why he wanted to.

Edward Elric.

Just thinking about that name, that person made the feeling come back in full force, but he forced it down before it swallowed him, before he lost control of it, and most of all before he accepted defeat. He would not cry, because if he did, he knew he'd be accepting, no, he knew he would be giving in to the fact that the teenage prodigy would not be coming back.

Not now, not ever again.

Roy swallowed and looked around his office; everything in it made him think of the blonde alchemist; the sofas where many a time Ed, had flopped on his couch in a bored or tired manner to give his report on what he found even though Roy had always been almost half a step ahead of him, his desk were Ed had slammed his automail fist into the old polished wood, making many dents in it as Roy once again made a smart comment in his height, his fireplace where on those rare occasions the two had not argued but rather reflected and Roy could see the man, the truly mature side of Edward.

But what made him think of Ed the most was when Alphonse Elric himself used to walk in his office; the teenage boy who after gaining his body back, had become a state alchemist like his brother. Alphonse just didn't know how much he looked like the elder Elric, of course their were subtle differences; Al's hair was slightly darker and his eyes were more a bronze colour than gold, but every time he saw the younger Elric brother, the dark haired general had to stop himself from calling Alphonse by his older brothers military name, and it _hurt._

It hurt to think that the boy he'd teased since he was 12 was gone, the boy he'd at first thought of as nothing more then a child who had grown up far too fast, the same kid who could take what he got especially when they traded insults, the same boy who's eyes flashed with fire and hope whenever Roy gave him a mission concerning the philosophers stone, the same teenager who he'd fought in the battle assessment and just beaten him, the same man he'd grown to respect and admire, the same man he had fallen in love with.

Roy was gasping for air now as his chest seemed to tighten painfully, his eye were beginning to brim with tears as he tried desperately to lock away his feelings, as he tried desperately to shut away his heart, to regain control, but it was hard and it hurt so much. Roy managed to take a few deep breaths as he regained control of himself and his usual passive mask fell back into place, even though there was no one there in the dimly lit office to see it, he picked up the pen he had dropped and tried to get back to work, but he mind refused to move from the current topic.

Roy wasn't quite sure when he began to fall in love with Edward Elric, he really didn't know but if he had to guess it was sometime after he had first met the boy without automail limbs; Roy was 23 when he'd gone down on that stormy October night to see the Elric brothers and he'd felt something tugging at his heart when he saw what had become of Hoinhiem's eldest child. At that time he'd brushed it off then as nothing more than pity, but now Roy wasn't so sure, there had been many other feelings like that throughout the time he'd known the blonde alchemist, each one made his heart go out to Edward.

Like the time when Barry the chopper had tried to kill Edward, he'd watched the blonde sob his heart out and Roy could do nothing but stand and watch from afar as his armoured younger brother did the best he could in comforting him. Then when Nina was killed by Scar, the despair and anguish on Ed's childishly young face had made the flame alchemist desperately wanting to hug the boy to his chest, to comfort him in some way, just to see the pain and desperation leave from the blonde's face, but back then it hadn't been the time nor place and he knew that it wouldn't help, so he'd scolded the boy and reminded him of his objective, even to this day the dark haired alchemist didn't know if he'd done the right thing, but back then he saw that the familiar fire in Ed's eyes, the same fire he saw when he vowed to find the philosophers stone, when he saw that look back in the blonde's eye's and he noticed it, Roy felt immense relief.

Edward had seen so much that a 15 year old teenager shouldn't have seen and many men didn't see in their lifetimes, it was depressing to think that Roy was the one that had gotten him involved in the military, but then again he was glad; he had a feeling that if he hadn't invited Ed, the blonde would have joined the military anyway, only under someone else's service, and the outlook probably wouldn't have been very pretty, in fact it probably would have been worse; many a high ranking officer didn't give a rats ass about their subordinates and many were raped or killed within weeks of being assigned to their commanding officers, Roy was different he made sure he kept his men _alive_, hence why they were loyal to him.

But Ed…He'd failed when it came to Ed.

Roy heard something splash against the desk and looked down; he saw a drop of water, he touched his face and realised, that he'd been crying without noticing, that he'd given up and not even noticed. Roy covered his eyes with one gloved hand as his shoulders shook, he cried silently as he finally, _finally_ let everything out as he finally admitted defeat.

Edward Elric was never coming back.

The man; Roy couldn't called him a child anymore, not after the last time he'd seen him, the man he was in love with was in another world now with his brother, if he didn't know Ed so well, he'd have said that Ed would have settled down in the other world gotten married and had kids, but somehow he couldn't make himself see it.

He wondered if Edward ever knew how much Roy really cared and loved the blonde, how much he would have done and did do to protect him kept him safe and how much regret he felt when he failed. Roy snorted as tears continued to fall silently down his face; Edward Elric was a prodigy when it came to Alchemy, but when it came to emotions, love and sex, the blonde probably had as much knowledge as a 5 year old.

But that had never bothered Roy because he'd dreamed that he'd teach Ed everything, that he'd sacrifice his job, his one ambition of being Fuhrer, to be with the blonde, that he'd accept the taunts and insults of being a pervert and a paedophile, because for the first time in his life he wasn't playing around with a one night stand, he was deeply and utterly in love and there was fuck all he could do about it.

He remembered that day, the day he'd left Edward four years ago, so he could kill the Fuhrer and Ed could stop the Homunculi from using the philosopher's stone that was inside Al's armoured body, back then Roy wanted to tell Ed how he'd felt because he'd known that this would probably be the last time he'd see the blonde…but he hadn't done it, he couldn't bring himself to, if he'd made such a confession at that moment, the dark haired Colonel wasn't sure what would have happened, but he knew at least, that if he kept silent Ed would go his way down the road and Roy would go his in the opposite direction, so he had kept silent and they had parted ways.

After that he heard from Riza, that Alphonse Elric had managed to get his body back and at first he'd felt overjoyed, thinking that both Elric brothers had succeeded in achieving their goals, but his heart was crushed when no sign of Edward or his body had been found, but then again after hearing what happened from Rose's point of view, Roy didn't feel surprised; Al was Edward's only living blood relative, he cherished his younger brother, it seemed fitting that Ed would sacrifice his own self to bring Al back from the gate.

He however, ended up in hospital for three months due to his severe injuries after his battle with King Bradley and became blind in his right eye after Archer shot him. He was put up for court martial for treason, but because of lack of evidence and eye witnesses (His subordinates including Riza Hawkeye had refused to testify against him) he had been merely demoted and sent to the middle of nowhere as a corporal, below the ranks of even Feury.

Alone and in the middle of nowhere he brooded, blatantly refusing to use his fire alchemy while he was there. What surprised him was that Al had visited him a couple times during Ed's two year absence, reminding him not to give up on his brother because he knew he was alive, the younger Elric brother had dreamt of his older brother at night in another world beyond the gate. Roy had smiled a genuine smile at the boy and nodded his heart believing what his mind did and he had faith that Al wasn't wrong, that Ed was alive somewhere.

Flashback

"_Nii-san will come back Colonel" Al had said determinedly the same fire his brother had was now in Al's eyes and, even though he'd been demoted Al refused to call Roy anything else "I know because he cares about everyone…even you" Al's words had made him feel hope that perhaps Ed really could come back, and even though months had passed Roy didn't let his hope die._

_Then it had happened, two years after Ed had disappeared a huge gate had opened up from the sky and a battle had started from another world, armoured monsters had crawled towards Central HQ and Roy felt his old flame of ambition and bravery spark within him once again and travelled to Central as fast as he could, as soon as he did he'd pulled on his gloves and snapped away like he'd always done when he'd been a Colonel, blasting many of the armoured walking dead in one blow, he quickly dished out orders to his former subordinates, even though he was now a lower rank they still respected the man and had obeyed. Roy had seen the ship that was attacking Central and ordered Armstrong to make him a balloon so he could fly up and meet the ship._

_Once the balloon was ready he had instantly used his flame alchemy to get hot air into the balloon and get up into the air, he flew for miles above the city of Central until he saw something shooting out of a building straight towards the ship, he saw a flash of red and gold and knew Ed and Al were there, he didn't need to look twice, he just knew in his heart it was them. Roy used his alchemy, raising the balloon higher in the air using the hot hair from his flame, when the ship suddenly transmuted a gun turret out of nowhere, Roy's one eye widened and without thinking he snapped his fingers, destroying the turret. "Now lengthen it Fullmetal!" Al turned too looked at him and grinned and Ed turned; 18 year old Edward Elric turned to face him and smiled._

_In that one moment Roy felt he was whole again._

_Ed and Al nodded; together they clapped their hands and lengthened the tall tower until it easily reached the top of the ship. Roy hopped out of the balloon and raced up the platform wondering what to say, seeing Edward like this was so sudden and unexpected, so he said what first came to mind; a sarcastic remark "I figured it would be you that brought this trouble Fullmetal" Roy said with a smirk; he felt like he was normal again, like this was normal, a normal routine, same sarcastic remarks, same playful banter._

"_That's all I get? No 'Nice to see you after two years', no 'How are you?' Just sarcastic comments, thanks Colonel Bastard! By the way that eye patch doesn't suit you at all" was Ed's reply and if the situation hadn't been so serious Roy probably would have laughed, he heard Al apologize for his brother just like he had thousands of times before._

_When they reached the deck of the ship they took cover for a moment as more turrets transmuted and opened fire upon them, Mustang didn't hesitate to destroy the gun turrets then he turned to Ed. "Go from the front I'll cover you, that's why I came" Roy ordered._

_Ed smirked, that familiar smirk at him and nodded "Yeah okay I'll do that" Ed said and ran ahead Al following after him and Mustang allowed himself to smile fondly at Ed's retreating back "I always knew you were alive…" Roy said to himself, then more gun turrets suddenly transmuted on the hull of the ship and aimed at the dark haired man the flame alchemist just smirked to himself as he got to work destroying the last of the gun turrets._

_When the turrets stopped transmuting from nowhere and the brothers came back Ed looked…sad, really sad, and Mustang's heart clenched, he just knew something was going to happen. "Hagane no?"(1) Roy questioned, his only reply was a clap of hands, one flesh, one metal, before they were pressed against the floor._

_Slowly a piece of the ship broke off from the rest, Al knew something was wrong and called and Ed even tried to run towards him but the dark haired alchemist held him back, waiting for Ed to say something, anything. "With that much material you can make it back safely" Roy's heart clenched in his chest again and he knew that Ed was leaving them again, even so he had to ask Ed, he needed to hear it from the blonde teenagers mouth. "Where are you going?" _

_Ed sighed before he answered "I'm going to return all of these guys and the ship back to beyond the gate" He said Al struggled in Roy's arms, tears brimming in his bronze coloured eyes "Brother you don't have to go too!" Al cried out arguing as Ed half turned to leave, he paused and turned back around his eyes set in determination "I need to destroy that gate, Al you destroy the gate on this side, so the path between worlds will never open again"_

_The elder blonde turned around to go back into the ship, but Alphonse was stubborn, almost as much as his bother, "Bother what about us? About Winry? What am I going to tell her?" he called hoping that somehow it would get his big brother to stay to figure out another way of doing this. Ed stopped once again and smiled a small smile at his younger brother and Roy before lifting up his automail hand "Tell her…tell her thanks for this" Ed said before turning and walking back into the ship._

"_Brother! Brother!" Al called desperately to Ed's retreating back, Roy's heart clenched in pain, it was almost unbearable for him but it must have been impossible for Al to cope with; he'd only just been re-united with his elder brother only to lose him once again. In that moment Roy made a decision and let the younger Elric brother go; Al deserved to be with his brother, they'd worked so hard to get their body's back and stick together, and Roy knew that they deserved to stay together after what they had gone through. The younger blonde turned to him confused "Transmute the material for me then go with him" Roy whispered. Al stared at him for a moment before he nodded and made a balloon out of the material and climbed onto the ship before it flew away, but the younger Elric brother paused and turned back to him "Colonel…you really love him don't you?" _

_Roy swallowed at this question, there was no need to guess who 'him' was, silently he nodded and stared at Al "Don't tell him Al, unless you find a way back here, don't tell him otherwise there's no point, now go, I'll deal with the gate" Al blinked then nodded silently before turning and running into the ship. As Roy used the hot air from his alchemic flame to fly away, the ship's engines started and it flew off towards the gate. Roy slowly followed behind the brothers in the balloon, his heart heavy and tears brimming in his eyes as he watched the ship with the Elric brothers disappear into the gate…_

End flashback

"Sir? Sir? Wake up sir" Roy recognised the voice, he opened his eyes and realised he'd fallen asleep while thinking of the last time he'd seen Ed, he looked up to see Hawkeye staring down at him, her eyes strangely sympathetic as she shook his shoulder gently. "Sir it's almost midnight, I think you should go home now"

Roy looked up at her and blinked sleepily before he leaned back in his chair; his dark onyx eyes carefully blank "What are you doing here Hawkeye?" He asked her in a flat tone, quickly wiping away the tear tracks that were left on his face, but he already suspected that she had noticed them; Hawkeye wasn't called Hawkeye for no reason. Lieutenant Colonel Riza Hawkeye sighed and withdrew her hand from the Brigadier General's shoulder "I left something in my office and came back to get it and I noticed the lamp was still on in your office sir" Riza said politely, not commenting on the tear tracks on his face.

The blonde sniper knew that Roy Mustang was hurting badly, he had been for two years since Edward left, and she knew it was because the man loved the blonde alchemist; ever since Edward and his younger brother had gone to the other side of the gate, Roy had destroyed the gate as he was asked and later he had been awarded his former rank of Colonel back, for his heroic deeds in stopping the strange ship from completely destroying Central. Since then the dark haired man had thrown himself into work, raising another rank to Brigadier General because of his efforts.

In fact Roy never seemed to stop working, and he hardly slept and if he did, it was usually on his desk using paperwork as a pillow instead of going home to a bed like he should have. The blonde haired women knew it was so Roy didn't have to think, if he stared thinking, his thoughts would eventually wander to Edward, and if they wandered to Edward, he would almost lose control of his emotions before he regained control and he was normal again; no one in the office of Central Headquarters knew the real reason behind this other than Hawkeye herself, but she knew that the rest of Roy's subordinates could easily hear his dry choked sobs from behind the closed door of his office, and none dared speak of it, not because they were threatened by Hawkeye, but because out of pure respect and loyalty to the man.

"Sir…" She started and wondered if now was a good time to bring up his most sensitive subject. Roy looked up at her, his face paler than normal and his onyx eyes blank, but had heavy bags under them and she hardened her resolve "Sir…I know you loved him very much, and we all miss him…but you can't harm yourself like this"

She saw his body tense up, he turned his face away from her as he spoke. "I don't know what you're talking about Hawkeye I'm fine…" He muttered his voice sounding strained. The blonde Lieutenant Colonel wanted to slap the man she admired and respected for so long for being an idiot, but she knew it would do no good; if one thing Roy Mustang and Edward Elric where both good at and had in common, it was that they were both as stubborn as mules, and no amount of threatening him with her gun was going to change that. "Very well sir" She whispered stiffly, forcing her self to turn to walk out the door and not pull her gun on her superior, she paused at the door and turned back to Roy "If it's any consolation sir, I believed Edward loves you too, he just never realized it" Riza whispered before walking out of his office and closing to door with a faint click.

When the flame alchemist was once again greeted with silence he stood slowly and looked out of his office window, his eyes full of sadness as he looked up at the stars and placed a pale un-gloved hand on the window and watched as a shooting star flew by. Roy sighed, he knew what he was about to do was utterly pointless and even childish, but right now he didn't have the heart to care weather wishing upon a falling star it was childish or immature or even that wishing on a falling star never worked. "I wish I could see him again even if it's only for a little while, I just wish I could tell him the truth" Roy whispered as he watched the star disappear from view. With a sigh the dark haired man turned from the window and walked over to where his jacket was hung up.

"Riza was right about one thing, I believe he loves me too" Roy muttered to himself before he put on his coat and left the office, leaving the echoing memories of Edward Elric lingering in his office.

"_You bastard! I'M NOT SMALL!"_

"_So your telling me you already know everything I've done is that it?"_

"_Argh I'm gonna kill you, you morally bankrupt Colonel with a god complex!"_

"_I will find a way to make the stone you can count on that__"_

_"This assesment means nothing to me, if i win you tell me everything you know about Marco, and lets not forget you'll have a new cat"_

"_I won't cry for you Colonel, if you die I mean, hell I'll probably dance on your grave! So if I die you'd better not cry for me…Right Mustang?"_

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(1) Hagane no- means Fullmetal for those who haven't seen the Japanese version of the anime

Wow some of this didn't turn out the way I thought that it would, I never originally intended to have Riza added into the story, but in the end she seemed the perfect candidate to add in and wake out dear flame alchemist up

So what do you guys think? Good? Bad? Please R&R and tell me what you thought of it, this is almost twice as long as the first chapter and I really put a lot of effort into it so please leave a review.

Jade Rotaski Queen of the Damned


	3. Alphonse's diary

Hello all! (Ducks as random pointy objects come flying in her direction) I know! I know I'm really sorry I haven't updated but I'm really busy job hunting and stuff, not only that I have a severe limit of one hour a day if I'm lucky on my computer and internet time so I hope you guys forgive me. Any way here's the next chapter enjoy!

Jade xx

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Chapter 3- Alphonse's diary

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August 14th 1946

Dear diary...

He's been crying again.

He thinks that at night I'm asleep, that I can't hear his muffled sobs as he sits on our bedroom windowsill and looks out of the window, sadly looking up at the moonlit sky. My older brother may be older than me, but at the same time he can be the most naive; he believes that I am still too innocent and naive myself to see the mental pain and anguish that he is going through, he thinks that he can hide it away from me, to hide what he really feels from everyone, but I know him better than he knows himself and I know its all fake.

It's been like this for almost a week now; he would pretend to be happy and he forces on a smile or a laugh for my sake and everyone else around him, but none of it is real, its all just part of a fragile mask my brother is using. Before he was happy but he felt incomplete, like a puzzle that's missing a vital piece and this frustrated and confused my older brother for a while and it confused him why his heart told him he was missing something in his life; We were living peacefully in a small village just outside of Munich, once we had both learnt German, Ed accepted a job teaching school children science while I had the easier job of helping out in a vegetable stall for the old lady who owned the shop, who was becoming to weak and frail to run it herself.

We both miss home, our real home, we missed everyone we knew back on our home world of Artemis, everyone we cared about or respected was a little aching weight in both our hearts as we yearned to see them all again (I especially missed Winry...as a friend, honest!), but when we first came here that didn't matter because after all the hardships we had been through, after all my older brothers hard work, I finally had my body back, Ed still had automail, but I don't think he cares about that anymore, he's just happy I'm back to normal, that I can once again do things a normal human being can do.

Things weren't the same though, I knew that our life wasn't the same as it was back in Artemies, it was hardly running around on missions and getting ourselves into trouble until Colonel Mustang and the rest of his subordinates turned up to help! While we were in Munich however, our life went at a steady pace, nothing really exciting happened in our small village and I know my brother was getting bored of this town, he was itching to go exploring again, but I also knew he wouldn't because he knew I was content to stay here, even though I've told him we could go somewhere else, that I would be happy to travel with him again, but Edward just shook his head at this and smiled telling me its fine to stay here and that he's in no rush to leave, and even though we both know its a lie, I don't reprimand him like my mom would have done, I know that he's doing it for my happiness and I respect and love him for that.

But what about his own happiness? How long is he just going to put his heart to one side for me? I love my brother dearly, but it almost physically kills me to hear him sobbing in such a broken way at night. I know why he's crying, he's crying because he finally figured the answer to why he felt so incomplete and I doubt it was the answer he was expecting, but then again I think if I was in my brothers shoes, I would cry too, if I was in his situation and I had unintentionally left the love of my life behind back in Artemies. I wanted to confront my older brother about it, comfort him in some way, but I knew that Ed would just flash me a fake smile and deny how he felt, even to himself.

I know who that piece of my older brother's heart belongs to, and I desperately wanted to tell him that I already knew he was in love and that I was okay with it, that I was happy for him, but as I said before he'd probably deny it until the cows came home that he wasn't in love, even though we both knew he was. No, I think he was better to just let my brother be, so he could figure out his feelings on his own, It took him a while but once he realized the truth of what his heart was telling him...well the last thing I had expected my older brother to do was cry, he cried so much when he first realized and it surprised me; the only other time I've ever seen my brother cry that much was when mom died.

I know that only 3 people have ever seen my brother, the Full metal alchemist cry, myself his younger brother, Winry our childhood friend and honorary boy, and Colonel Roy Mustang, My older brothers superior and the man he's in love with...Surprised? I wasn't, not at all, even though I only have a few clear memories from when I spent four years as a suit or armor, one memory I have is very clear; me restraining my brother who was yelling and flailing, trying to get at Roy Mustang because the man had just made an insult at Ed's height, I remember the man just smirking at my brother as he ranted, but at the same time his dark eyes sparkled softly with something akin to fondness, even if my brother didn't notice, I did. Even if I don't remember much of back then I know in my heart that the short jokes and insults between the two of them weren't meant to be seriously insulting, it was just a game, a game the two both loved to play even if both denied it, at the time I suppose it was designed to lighten up the military and make it less dull, after all nothing stays boring once my loud, short tempered brother is around.

But...now my brother isn't the same, right now it's like he's a whole other person, he's different, he's not the same and that scares me. Its almost like he's a lost soul searching fruitlessly for a way back home to his soul mate...heh, as cheesy as that sounds its probably the truth too; My brother would have been lost if Mustang hadn't taken Ed under his wing, without the man constantly teasing him and pushing him to achieve, Ed, as hard working as my brother is, wouldn't have been able to achieve what he had without the man. But I know it went deeper than that, ever since Ed turned 15 he'd began oddly around Roy, sure they both still threw insults at each other but the usual heated tense mood had changed and had been replaced to something more lighthearted.

I know that in a case of sad twisted irony, the man that my brother is in love with, loves him back, but my brother doesn't know that, and I haven't told him that Colonel Mustang loves him, because I promised the man that I wouldn't until we found a way back home, but so far my older brothers search for a solution has proved to be fruitless; without alchemy there was no way to re-open the gate between both worlds, when my brother realized this I expected him to be set in determination to find a solution, but instead, his usually strong persistence and determination to find an answer seemed to crumble and fade away until Ed had no hope left of going home.

It hurts me to see him like this, it really hurts, because he wont tell me what's wrong, even though I know what's wrong my brother refuses to confide in me about his fears, It's not that my brother doesn't trust me, its that he doesn't want to admit he has a problem with being in this world, so as not to upset me. Do you see the pattern? My brother has been working so long in getting my body back and making me feel happy, that Ed doesn't realize he's making himself utterly miserable. My once strong, brave and stubborn brother, who did so much to right the wrongs of our past, who has done everything with a burning passion, is simply breaking down. He has given up on finding a way home all his research I found shoved to one side on his shelf, gathering dust. I keep having an urge to tell Ed that Roy loves him...but I'm afraid, I'm not sure this declaration will make my brother have hope and drive him forward, or make him delve deeper into despair. I wont risk breaking my already incomplete brother like that so for now I'll keep silent about what I know and continue to find a way home.

That's right I'm going to pick up where my older brother left off and try to find a way home for us both, I'll search for an answer on my own for as long as it takes, I'm going to do this because I want him back, I want my brother back, the old Edward Elric back, I want him to be happy, strong and care free again, I want him to be himself again, I don't want him to be the way he is now, I won't give up hope like he did, I'll be strong and find a way to bring us back home no matter what. My brother has spent half his life trying to cater for my happiness; I believe that this time, I should be the one to give some back.

It's a fair Equivalent Exchange.

Alphonse.

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Yes I know! I know its short but please bear with me; chapter four will be longer and will be from both Ed and Roy's points of view. Someone asked me how long this story was going to be and honestly? I don't know, I made this story up once I had seen the FMA movie and decided that I didn't like the way it ended and this is my way of making up my OWN ending, of what happens AFTER Ed and Al go through the gate and im making uit up as I go along so I really dont know when this is going to end. Anyway I do hope you guys are enjoying it so far until next time! Ja ne!

Jade xx


	4. Alchohol

Hello all! Im afraid this chappter is a painfully short one It WAS meant to be longer but I had a brain block and could'nt finish the rest of it! So for now be happy I've at least updated ne? Enjoy!

Jade xx

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Chapter 4- Alchohol

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Edward Elric smiled sadly as he watched his younger brother sleep peacefully on a plie of books and papers that were scattered on the desk Alphonse was sleeping on and littered the floor, his small arms were folded under his head and lay upon the desk as a susbsitute pillow, the younge teenagers breathing was deep, steady and even. The older blonde sighed and shook his head; he didn't understand his younger brother at all right now; for some reason Al was still searching for a way home, even though all of the leads Edward had found all pointed to one dreaded conclusion; there was no way home; without alchemy they wouldn't be able to open they gate, so they were stuck here.

The eldest Elrics eyes were dim, the normally bright golden hues were now full of sadness at remembering that this place, this world that they were living in was now their 'home'. Slowly Edward reached out witth his ungloved flesh hand and raked it fondly through his younger brothers hair gently, knowing such a gentle touch wouldn't wake up the other. Al muttered something unintelligible in his sleep before once again sleeping quietly on the desk. "Why Al? Wy are you still trying?" Ed whispered, more to himself than to his younger sibling, who didn't respond to Ed's question he just continued to sleep peacefully, blissfully unaware of what was going on.

Ed sighed and closed his eyes as he remembered when he first found out that Al was still looking for a way home; it had surprised the older Elric and when he curiously asked Al why, the younger sibling had been unsusually tight-lipped about why he was still looking for a way home, the only explaination he'd give (And one that Edward didn't belive) was that he was just making sure that the older Elric hadn't missed anything when doing his research. Despite all his younger brothers efforts to be convincing, Ed knew Alphonse was lying to him; he'd always been a terrible liar and this was no exception. Not only that Edward was a genius in both reserching and performing alchemy, there was no way he'd have missed something, so he knew his little bother had an ulterior motive and Ed being Ed made up his own reasons as to why Al was still looking.

One of the only theoires that Ed could come up with was that Al was trying to find a way back for Winry (Ed was under no illusions that he had a crush on her even though Al strongly denied it) but in the end he realized Al wasn't doing this just for himself, he realized that his younger brother knew that he'd given up hope so, his younger borother was taking over looking for a way home for them both, so that they could go back to their real home back to friends and family that cared about them.

Quietly Edward picked out a blanket off his bothers bed and gently draped it over the teens shoulders, as he slept before quietly leaving the brdroom and heading downsairs to their small living room. In the dark ness of the room Edward easily weaved his way through the furniture and made his way to a small drinks cabinet before he opened it and grabbed a random bottle before pouring some into a glass, Edward smelled it and wrinkled his nose; he'd picked whiskey as his drink for tonight. With a shrug he downed the glass on one go, grimicing slightly at the bitter aftertaste but savouring the warmth that spred from the pit of his stomach "Heh the bastard would laugh if he could see me like this…" Edward muttered aloud his voice bitter yet at the same time it was soft and very sad as he poured himself another glass of whiskey before he sat down in a worm leather arm chair his eyes brimming with tears waiting to be shed.

"I miss you, you stupid bastard" Ed whispered to the room as he slowly lifted the half filled tumbler up in the air as though he was giving a toast before sipping the alcohol down much more slowly than before, as large tears began falling down his face. Edward elric knew that tonight just like all the ones before hand were going to be long and painful.

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I know this update is short but its an update none the less the next chapter will be in (Surprizingly) Riza's point of veiw. Please please PLEASE read and review! Untill next time peeps!

Jade xx


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